Let’s just do this all over again, shall we?

Saturday I get a phone call from my 21 year old daughter who lives in Texas with my ex husband and his wife with my two granddaughters ages three and almost two.  My daughter is in tears…sobbing.  I can’t understand her.  I get her to calm down and she tells me that her father strangled her and is in jail.




He was drunk.  Not that that is ever an excuse.  It was the main reason I left him almost 20 years ago and he still to this day hasn’t changed.  He was causing a scene in their apartment rental office and my daughter stood up to him and told him to knock it off.  He doesn’t like being told to behave.  The argument went into their apartment, she took his gas tank of vodka and proceeded to dump it in the kitchen sink.  While she did this, he came up behind her and wrapped his arm around her neck and proceeded to choke her out.  The last thing she saw before she blacked out was her babies faces through the kitchen window.


So, being the protective momma bear that I am…I think “How the fuck can I get to Texas to help her through this?”


I jump on facebook and throw a plea out there asking for anyone who might have airline miles that would be willing to donate to me.  Within hours I have an offer of airline miles, cash pay pal’d to me…so I think, awesome.  Everything is set.  I have a friend in Houston I can spend the first night with, since the cheapest flight is a red eye..I have a ride to LAX.  All good.


Well, then..the step mother decides that she doesn’t want me in the house.  Why?  She has no valid reason.  She says that she doesn’t like me.  Hmmm…well, obviously I know that she is threatened by me because I know she is an enabler and I will call her out on her bullshit.  I am not there to start any shit, but I damn well will make sure no shit will happen.  My ex husband will NOT be around my daughter or my grandkids ever again.  There is a 90 day automatic protective order.  That means that he is NOT allowed to return to his own home (she lives with them) if/when he bonds out.  His bond is set for $10,000.00 right now and I’m sure the step mom will do whatever it takes to bond him out.  If she does, he won’t be eligible for a public defender…so anyway she goes, it’s going to end up bad for him in the long run.  Technically, I could stay at the house.  Being that my daughter lives there, I would be her guest and legally the step mom could not do anything about it.  She technically would have to go through an eviction process to get me out.  But, my daughter doesn’t want to take it that far.  So, I’m working on looking for a place to stay in Galveston.  I have someone (again, someone I don’t know) offering their Hilton points for me.  I also have my daughter asking some of her very supportive female friends if they have a couch for me to stay on.


So…pardon the rambling post once again, but just as I get my PTSD and insomnia under control, or sort of under control, I’m right back to sleeping only a couple of hours and horrible nightmares.

He won’t win this time.  This isn’t the first time he has hurt her but it will be the last.


I didn’t think it was possible for me to hate someone more than I did before…and that scares me…but I do.  I have absolute hate for him.


I have nothing but love for the people, the COMPLETE strangers, who have come forth and donated to me and this cause.  Most of whom are #warriors themselves.


Keep us in your thoughts, prayers, wishes, whatever.  we are going to need it.

PTSD is the demon I’m currently dealing with

So, since my last blog of running into my abuser three times, my PTSD has gone through the fucking roof.  Not sleeping more than two hours at night, getting my “best” sleep after I drop Alexander off at school in the morning, but that hour is filled with nightmares.  I had a HORRIBLE flashback nightmare not long after running into him last month.  First time I have actually seen him in my nightmares.  Usually, my nightmares are not related to him or the abuse…but other “things” which are so horrible they would make Stephen King cringe.  This nightmare was him coming to attack me, however when he tried to, I managed to grab him and throw him down, pinning him to the ground.  Alexander was with me, and I threw my cell phone to him and told him to call 911.  When I woke up, I was clutching the bedding and screaming and crying.  Yes, it was a breakthrough of sorts, because I was able to flip him and hold him down…but I still need that “closure” of someone coming to get him away from me.


After that nightmare and a couple of others where I woke up tossing a dog across the bed, I realized that I needed medical help to get me out of this.


I hate asking for help.  I hate admitting “defeat”.  In my mind, that’s what this is.  I have been managing “ok-ish” for six years and now all of a sudden, I can’t?  I went through a couple of days where I felt defeated and depressed.  Until I started listing exactly what I have been going through.  Having him moving up here, having him show up in ALL of my “safe zones”, and having to deal with my shitty roommate who is a narcissistic asshoe to the core.  She has no sense of time, make noise all night long, which triggers my PTSD and when I’m woken up…I can’t get back to sleep, especially if I’m startled awake.   She is absolutely horrible.  I have a lock on my door, I don’t stay home unless I’m sleeping, and I have gone completely no contact with her…which has helped me immensely.

So…with all of those weighing on me, I realized that YUP, I need help.


Started with counseling.  Met with a wonderful lady and spilled my entire life in an hour.  Which in itself was very hard on me.  She told me that I am classic textbook PTSD, which is actually a blessing in a way, because the last counselor I had said I was “borderline” PTSD.  Having an actual diagnosis of PTSD somehow makes me feel better.  I know it’s not me just overreacting about stuff happening.  I feel validated.  So, I’m going to continue seeing her and we are going to work on my triggers, flashbacks, and panic attacks.


Next up was a nutritionist.   I’m allergic to almost everything.  Wheat, corn, nuts, etc.  I also have horrible eating habits which have been going on since the abuse.  I have what’s called “food apathy”.  I can go days without eating a thing if I am triggered.  During “ok” times, I skip breakfast and lunch, only eating dinner.  This is very bad.  Your body thinks you are starving, doesn’t know when it’s going to get it’s next meal, so it keeps dinner and turns it into fat.  Now I have to eat breakfast and lunch, even if it’s a little bit.  which is disgusting…but I’m working on it.


Next up…medication manager.  I met with her yesterday and told her the absolute truth about everything…the not sleeping, the nightmares…everything.  Something has to change because I’m tired of being tired.  I cannot continue sleeping the mornings away only to wake up all stressed because I have nightmares!  She adjusted my medications…gave me a new one to help me sleep and even one for nightmares!  Last night was the first night with the new meds and I slept through the night with no nightmares!  I think I woke up once..however I’m extremely groggy this morning and probably will end up taking a nap.  I’m hoping it’s just because I took them too late last night and need to adjust that tonight and get to sleep earlier than I did.


So, that’s my life in a nutshell lately.  It sucks big time…but I am proud of myself for actually doing something about it.  It was tough getting off my depressed ass and asking for help.  I was afraid the doctors would honestly think I was crazy, because I was starting to feel that way.


If you are going through anything like this…please know that you are not alone.  You can get help, please get help.


I am here all of the time, unless I’m sleeping peacefully now (YAY!) and there are many, many resources out there.  I don’t want any of my friends to feel as overwhelmed as I did.  Ever.  I thank the dogs every day for my best friend whom I text constantly.  She has been my rock and life saver for like ten years now.  I want you all to know that I’m here for you like that.


So…if you need help, please reach out.  Remember you are worth it.


I had my first flashback and almost a day later I still can’t sleep

Long time, no blog…
well, thought everything was going fine.

However asshoe (that’s a new word that my phone came up with) has decided to move up to my small town.

I have run into him three times in the past month, each time worse for my brain.

First was “my grocery store” where I go literally every day. Ok got kinda over that.

This past weekend I “ran into him” at MY gas station returning a movie to redbox. He said nothing to me…just talked to Alexander.

Ok, that’s enough to set anyone off, right? Hold on, strap on your seat belts.

Not only am I dealing with this, but also family drama with my son’s great grandma in the er with cardio myopthy… and my usual roommate crap.

Tuesday as I’m waiting for Alexander to get out of school I was telling a mom friend of mine at school about the past weekend and how I am now always looking over my shoulder. I looked away from her for a moment and saw a cute, big dog…ohhhhhh….dog!!!!!

Attached to that dog was my abuser….looking like the shell of the man I used to know. I panicked.. I looked back at the mom and she knew just by the look on my face. Stayed with me. We started to walk to my car…and he was there again…he walked us to the car. No incidents..

Now..last night I have a horrible weird dream about him and now every time I close my eyes I see his face.

I have tried everything to not let that happen but it’s not working..

So…flashbacks can just kiss my ass.

Lost my mind last month…

So…things have been going great, Alexander in school, me at a new job.  Then boom.  I get diverticulitis once again.  This time over labor day weekend.  Alexander was at his dad’s so I had asked him to keep him a couple extra days and make sure he got too and from school.  Well, he took that as I abandoned our child.  He enrolled him in school in his town (an hour from me.) and refused to bring him back to me.   I will try to make this as short as possible…but still give enough information so that you know what I went through…and in case anyone else ever has to go through this bullshit.


My local police refused to enforce the court ordered child custody.  They said the best thing would be for me to go to that town and speak with that police department. Wow….really?
Can you at least call my ex and talk to my son?  Do a welfare check on him?  Something?

Dad has been super mentally unstable as of late and I was seriously concerned.


Days later…fighting back and forth with two different police departments, none of whom want to actually help me.


This started on September 5th.  On September 11th, we had an emergency meeting with the judge where he ruled against any emergency orders, all standing orders were still in place and Alexander should be returned to me.


His dad refused.  Now he is in violation of a court order.  Again…nobody would help me to enforce this.  Neither police department.   His towns police station told me to return to them if he did not return him on the following Sunday (18th) as per court order.  He didn’t…so I drove the hour down there at approximately 9 pm and with the assistance of five or so officers we went to his girlfriend’s apartment.  Her car was in the parking lot, however they would not answer their phones or the door.  I drove home after approximately four hours of these officers attempting, and failing to find out where my child was.  Total violation of PC 278:

278.  Every person, not having a right to custody, who maliciously
takes, entices away, keeps, withholds, or conceals any child with the
intent to detain or conceal that child from a lawful custodian shall
be punished by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding one year,
a fine not exceeding one thousand dollars ($1,000), or both that
fine and imprisonment, or by imprisonment pursuant to subdivision (h)
of Section 1170 for two, three, or four years, a fine not exceeding
ten thousand dollars ($10,000), or both that fine and imprisonment.

278.5.  (a) Every person who takes, entices away, keeps, withholds,
or conceals a child and maliciously deprives a lawful custodian of a
right to custody, or a person of a right to visitation, shall be
punished by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding one year, a
fine not exceeding one thousand dollars ($1,000), or both that fine
and imprisonment, or by imprisonment pursuant to subdivision (h) of
Section 1170 for 16 months, or two or three years, a fine not
exceeding ten thousand dollars ($10,000), or both that fine and
   (b) Nothing contained in this section limits the court's contempt
   (c) A custody order obtained after the taking, enticing away,
keeping, withholding, or concealing of a child does not constitute a
defense to a crime charged under this section.

278.6.  (a) At the sentencing hearing following a conviction for a
violation of Section 278 or 278.5, or both, the court shall consider
any relevant factors and circumstances in aggravation, including, but
not limited to, all of the following:
   (1) The child was exposed to a substantial risk of physical injury
or illness.
   (2) The defendant inflicted or threatened to inflict physical harm
on a parent or lawful custodian of the child or on the child at the
time of or during the abduction.
   (3) The defendant harmed or abandoned the child during the
   (4) The child was taken, enticed away, kept, withheld, or
concealed outside the United States.
   (5) The child has not been returned to the lawful custodian.
   (6) The defendant previously abducted or threatened to abduct the
   (7) The defendant substantially altered the appearance or the name
of the child.
   (8) The defendant denied the child appropriate education during
the abduction.
   (9) The length of the abduction.
   (10) The age of the child.
   (b) At the sentencing hearing following a conviction for a
violation of Section 278 or 278.5, or both, the court shall consider
any relevant factors and circumstances in mitigation, including, but
not limited to, both of the following:
   (1) The defendant returned the child unharmed and prior to arrest
or issuance of a warrant for arrest, whichever is first.
   (2) The defendant provided information and assistance leading to
the child's safe return.
   (c) In addition to any other penalties provided for a violation of
Section 278 or 278.5, a court shall order the defendant to pay
restitution to the district attorney for any costs incurred in
locating and returning the child as provided in Section 3134 of the
Family Code, and to the victim for those expenses and costs
reasonably incurred by, or on behalf of, the victim in locating and
recovering the child. An award made pursuant to this section shall
constitute a final judgment and shall be enforceable as such.



EVERY SINGLE agency I have spoken to on the phone says this incident is NOT child abduction because he did not “flee”.  Nowhere in this PC does it mention fleeing.


However, PC 207-209:

207.  (a) Every person who forcibly, or by any other means of
instilling fear, steals or takes, or holds, detains, or arrests any
person in this state, and carries the person into another country,
state, or county, or into another part of the same county, is guilty
of kidnapping.
   (b) Every person, who for the purpose of committing any act
defined in Section 288, hires, persuades, entices, decoys, or seduces
by false promises, misrepresentations, or the like, any child under
the age of 14 years to go out of this country, state, or county, or
into another part of the same county, is guilty of kidnapping.
   (c) Every person who forcibly, or by any other means of instilling
fear, takes or holds, detains, or arrests any person, with a design
to take the person out of this state, without having established a
claim, according to the laws of the United States, or of this state,
or who hires, persuades, entices, decoys, or seduces by false
promises, misrepresentations, or the like, any person to go out of
this state, or to be taken or removed therefrom, for the purpose and
with the intent to sell that person into slavery or involuntary
servitude, or otherwise to employ that person for his or her own use,
or to the use of another, without the free will and consent of that
persuaded person, is guilty of kidnapping.
   (d) Every person who, being out of this state, abducts or takes by
force or fraud any person contrary to the law of the place where
that act is committed, and brings, sends, or conveys that person
within the limits of this state, and is afterwards found within the
limits thereof, is guilty of kidnapping.
   (e) For purposes of those types of kidnapping requiring force, the
amount of force required to kidnap an unresisting infant or child is
the amount of physical force required to take and carry the child
away a substantial distance for an illegal purpose or with an illegal
   (f) Subdivisions (a) to (d), inclusive, do not apply to any of the
   (1) To any person who steals, takes, entices away, detains,
conceals, or harbors any child under the age of 14 years, if that act
is taken to protect the child from danger of imminent harm.
   (2) To any person acting under Section 834 or 837.

208.  (a) Kidnapping is punishable by imprisonment in the state
prison for three, five, or eight years.
   (b) If the person kidnapped is under 14 years of age at the time
of the commission of the crime, the kidnapping is punishable by
imprisonment in the state prison for 5, 8, or 11 years. This
subdivision is not applicable to the taking, detaining, or
concealing, of a minor child by a biological parent, a natural
father, as specified in Section 7611 of the Family Code, an adoptive
parent, or a person who has been granted access to the minor child by
a court order.
   (c) In all cases in which probation is granted, the court shall,
except in unusual cases where the interests of justice would best be
served by a lesser penalty, require as a condition of the probation
that the person be confined in the county jail for 12 months. If the
court grants probation without requiring the defendant to be confined
in the county jail for 12 months, it shall specify its reason or
reasons for imposing a lesser penalty.




Ok, now my problem.


Whenever I am in front of officers, they are all in agreement that this clearly is a violation of PC 278…however when I leave his town and CALL someone….they all are telling me it is simply a violation of court order because he didn’t “flee”.  This is the police departments telling me this, his and mine, and the District Attorney’s office.


We go to court tomorrow and I will have to fight like hell to protect my son. The tentative decision has been posted online and sadly the judge decided that no changes are to be made and he will not face any reprimands for violating court orders or for violating PC278.


I will go in and ask the judge first thing to please pull up PC 278, put it up on the wall and we will read it out loud together.  Then I will ask exactly which part of what he did does not validate the fact that he violated this penal code.


I have been wanting pictures of when my ex beat me.  I wanted them for my own reasons, but I also wanted them for here.  I wanted to show you.  I want to be able to show every girl who is stuck in a situation like this.  I want to show the world.  And I want to scream that I am a warrior and that I can make it out.  The pictures are disturbing, and obviously a trigger.  I hope that I did the link correctly.  I am not posting these for “omg, I’m so sorry!” Nope…I’m posting these for “Screw you dude, I am way stronger than you are…..and every single time you do shit like this to me…you are making me even more stronger.”


Anyway.I’m going to go spend time with my son…get some good sleep (ha!) before tomorrow…and wake up ready to tackle him and court.  I’m not backing down from some sort of punishment until the judge ORDERS ME to drop it.  Who knows…maybe my next blog will be from jail.


Save ramen money.  I have seriously lost my mind a few times this past month.  Couldn’t function…major panic attacks.  I’m having nightmares, can’t sleep worse then before…I was an absolute wreck until I got him back…and I will be again if he is able to take my son from me for visitation.


Please remember…graphic pic…trigger warning.  And…scary part is…this wasn’t the worst beating.  This was the most tame beating.  This was right before he was taking Alexander to Texas to see Cheron (his sister) get married.




Please keep my son and I in your thoughts, prayers, juju, light, whatever….I need it.  And tell these agencies that are supposed to help to get their heads out of their asses.






It’s been way too long

I haven’t blogged in five months! I apologize for that. I still don’t have wifi at home…so it makes it impossible for me to blog.

I made it through my first extended period of time without having my son with me. He was at dad’s for over a month.

I was a basket case for most of it. Especially with all of the red flags going up right before it was time for him to take him.

Dad’s phone wasn’t “working”…he was using someone else’s phone…then the day he was supposed to pick him up, I text that new number and all of a sudden my number was blocked. Hmmm…yeah…you’re not taking my kid for over a month without some way of me getting a hold of you.

His old phone got turned back on.

Whenever he has come to pick up Alexander at the police station, he has been parking where I cannot see him and walking to the police station. That’s another weird vibe.

The past few times he has been with his dad, he hasn’t seen his dad’s girlfriend or his half sister. Also odd.

Alexander has told me that they have been “camping” in daddy’s truck.

Then…right after he picks him up, I get an email from a cousin. She told me that her sister in law saw both of them on Father’s Day, sitting outside of a store…and that his dad looked “homeless”.

So…all of those red flags and I decided to try to contact CPS and see if there’s anything that they could do. Just a welfare check…that’s all I was asking for.

Well….according to them, none of those warrant a welfare check. And…once again, I’m told that “being homeless with a child isn’t against the law.” and that I would have to go before a judge to see if anything can be done.

So…yeah. I basically was a paranoid mom for the past month.

He is back safely with me…and today he is off visiting his dad’s family at a campground.

On a different note. Tuesday is my FREEDOMVERSARY!!!!

I guess if I can get through one more year of being alone and still being an awesome domestic violence warrior…I can take on anything, right?

Five years.

In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday…and in other ways it feels like it was a lifetime ago.

I wonder if it will ever get any better….I doubt it will.

My attitude towards him has changed for sure…even just over the past year or so. I am no longer afraid of him. Even with the restraining order expired. I probably owe a lot of that to my vicious pit bull “Zeus” but I have also gained a lot of self confidence back again.

Working has helped.

I think I’m way more upset (still) about the fact that I lost literally EVERYTHING after I managed to get the balls to send his ass to jail for almost killing me. I didn’t lose everything because of what he did to me…but because of trying to heal from that bullshit.

It has taken me five years…five pretty long fucking years…to even get to the point that I am at now.


Be kind. Enough of this hatred of fellow humans…enough killing people…just enough. There is already so much hate in this world. We need more peace, love and understanding. Start with you. Share a smile with a stranger. Give someone a hug. BE KIND.


I have been court ordered to attend a co-parenting class, as he has…separate classes, thank the dogs.

One of the homework assignments has to do with a website that I wanted to share with you. I have just skimmed it, but it seems worth looking into, especially if you are having issues with co-parenting. Personally, I believe that co-parenting with an abusive person should have totally different rules that if violence was not involved…but hey, that’s just my rose-colored glasses filled world, right? Until that happens, we must figure out the best way to co-parent with these fuckers…while still keeping our sanity and our safety!!!!

Anyway, the link to the website is http://www.thework.com

I hope this helps someone somehow.

Be kind, always be kind.

I got flowers today



Tamara Hunter with Jeannean Brown.
November 13, 2015 ·

I Got Flowers Today…..

I got flowers today… It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said…because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today… It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day. Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry, Because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today… It wasn’t mother’s day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again. And it was much worse than other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money? I’m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry, Because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today… Lots of them…Today was very special. It was the day of my funeral. Last night he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today. Real man don’t hit…

Stop Domestic Violence !!

Doc Wisdom



I’ve seen this on Facebook a few times.


Funny, I never got flowers.


I never got an apology.


I was almost killed.


I used to try to get him to talk to me about it, days after the fact.  I would ask him if my bruises looked better.  If my makeup was good enough to hide them.  If I could pass going back to work.


He never said a damn thing.


I don’t understand this, I never will. I guess it’s not for me to understand.  It’s not for me to fix.  I learned that, finally, the hard way.


Co-parenting with an abusive partner

Hi everyone!!! I’m back to bloggity blogging for now!  My lovely roommate gave my son the wifi code, so for now, I’m here again!


Little update on life.  We went back to court, he was going after full custody (AGAIN) and got shot down (AGAIN) and in the process, the judge has ordered us both to attend a co-parenting class here called COPE.


I find a co-parenting class when there is domestic violence involved sort of a slap in the face to the survivor, frankly.


I realize that I have to deal with this asshat for the next x amount of years, and I would like some sort of authority figure to lay down the law and explain to him what the rules are and that he needs to follow them.


I think that if a couple coming out of an abusive relationship must co-parent, that it should be suggested, by the courts, for the sake of the child(ren) that “parallel parenting” be put into place.


Parallel parenting is pretty cool.  I actually did this 20 years ago with my ex husband who was, and is, a controlling manipulative bastard.  If he doesn’t get what he wants, he just keeps asking and whining until you just give in just to shut him the hell up.  When we first broke up, he would call the house CONSTANTLY (seriously, constantly, starting at 5 a.m.) to talk to the kids.  Of course, I would answer, a fight would ensue…and that would just be bad all around.  Eventually we got it arranged that he would only be allowed to call once between the hours of 7 pm and 8 pm….and if we were not home, leave a message and the kids would call him back.

This was just the beginnings of everyone having email, so we just started discussing custody exchanges, etc. via email…but that turned out well.


Ok, so now, last night, sitting in my class with all of these first time single parents trying to figure out how to co-parent with their now ex partners…

I don’t think I will get much out of the class, because like I said, there is no co-parenting with my ex.  For my own safety and sanity, I have to distance myself from him as much as possible.


If any of you are going through or thinking about leaving a partner such as this, please know that it is possible, and actually very wonderful, to be able to co-parent this way.

I have an email account set up specifically for emails pertaining to our son, all conversations are to be kept about him, we just now ironed out all of the visitation details.  He’s such a control freak that we literally had to almost go minute to minute. (We did, actually on some weekends!)


There is an awesome website called http://www.myfamilywizard.com and while it does have an annual fee of $99.00, it is a great way to communicate with the other parent about visitation, school, sports activities, and it even has a built in language guide that tells you if you are being too harsh in your wording!!! (LOL, my ex would SOOOO need this!) This is also cool, in a way, (or maybe not) because attorneys have access to it as well as the courts.


As always, if you MUST have exchanges with an abusive ex, please make sure that YOU are safe…have someone with you, do it at a public place such as a police station or restaurant, and if you think something is happening when your child is with that parent, call someone!


I hope to be blogging way more very soon!!!

As always, Be Kind.


Captains log July 19th…four years.

Seems like some space movie sometimes.

It’s been four years since I changed my life forever.

I’ve had good and bad…more bad than I thought. I’m tired all the time. My anxiety sucks. But….one day at a time, I guess.

I had sort of an epiphany last night in regards to my anxiety and insomnia.

I’ve had HORRIBLE insomnia since I left my abuser. I mean HORRIBLE. I can go days without sleeping, feeling so exhausted that I know I shouldn’t even be driving to the store.

It was two am last night (no, wasn’t the drunk two am epiphany) and I was just trying to will myself to sleep. It’s not an easy task to get this brain of mine to shut down.

I had just tagged my daughter in something that made me giggle on Facebook, and I figured she would see it soon because she’d be up nursing my newest granddaughter.

This got me to thinking back to when my kids had me up at all hours of the night nursing.

I remember every one of them. I remember every couch, every apartment, ever room in every apartment. Everything.

What I do not seem to be able to recall is my ex husband in any of these scenes. I mean, he was there…he “helped” out with the babies (sort of).

I can picture myself walking through each apartment we lived in and I cannot see his face there.

Can’t find the memory of us dining together, going on a road trip together, shit, even sleeping together. There’s nothing!

I guess this is a good thing. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Good my brain was actually able to block him out while preserving the other memories.

Here’s the epiphany.

I realized that for the past five years, my memories of my abuser have ALWAYS flashed in front of my eyes.

Not the actual abuse. I seriously cannot “see” any of the attacks. Or should I say I do not “see” him attacking me.

I have a couple vivid memories of the attacks. The first one was during the first beating on Christmas night.

I can see us sitting on the couch together and all of a sudden a smack from his hand. I just sat on the couch, got a few more punches to the face. Then nothing. He sat beside me on the couch quietly. I never looked directly at him. So that visual is not in my head.

The next visual that comes back to me is more like me watching it from a third person.

I see “me” on the floor with him straddling me hitting me in the face with my phone.

Again, I do not think I have a memory of me looking directly at him.

The horrible image that I just came to realize I see EVERY TIME I try to go to sleep is him!

Sitting on the couch…I can see what he’s wearing, his glasses, the way his foot bounces on his knee…

And he’s just staring at me.

Judging me.

Trying to find out if and when he can hit me again.

I honestly never realized before that this image is what I see when I try to sleep. Every time I try to sleep.

I tried to think of my son…even cuddled with my dog…but nothing seems to make it go away.

Until I finally just pass out from exhaustion.

I do know that it’s much, much worse when I don’t have Alexander with me…and this week has been super hard.

Hopefully by me telling this story, trying to describe what does on in my head…it might help me get past it..

Maybe someday I will not have any images of him invading my every second of every day…like my ex husbands image has gone…

There is hope.

Until then…

Day by day…and night by night.

The next week will be a stressful one for me….


I was just speaking to an amazing woman about things she is going through currently, and I thought I would blog about gaslighting, for her sake, and many others. The narcissist is so fucking good at doing this that most people do not even know it’s happening to them!! It starts out small…and builds into this horrible monster. Once I read up on gaslighting and narcissistic behavior, it’s like a light went on…HOLY SHIT!!! All of the times that I thought I was clearly the one who was going insane, losing my mind, causing all of the tension…that was REALLY HIM MAKING ME THINK THAT!!!

Since my links don’t always work here, I’m going to copy/paste some gaslighting information here for you. Anyone that believes they are in a controlling, abusive (emotional, financial, or physical) relationship…please, please read this information…and do as much research as you can on how to react or not react to the gaslighting.

The following came from the wikipedia site:


Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

Sociopaths frequently use gaslighting tactics. Sociopaths consistently transgress social mores, break laws, and exploit others, but typically, are also charming and convincing liars who consistently deny wrongdoing. Thus, some who have been victimized by sociopaths may doubt their perceptions.

Some physically abusive spouses may gaslight their partners by flatly denying that they have been violent.

Gaslighting describes a dynamic observed in some cases of marital infidelity: “Therapists may contribute to the victim’s distress through mislabeling the woman’s reactions. […] The gaslighting behaviors of the husband provide a recipe for the so-called ‘nervous breakdown’ for some women [and] suicide in some of the worst situations.”

Gaslighting may also occur in parent–child relationships, with either parent, child, or both, lying to each other and attempting to undermine perceptions. Furthermore, gaslighting has been observed between patients and staff in inpatient psychiatric facilities.

For information on dealing with a narcissist…there are a few pages I have friended on facebook which have helped me immensely. Simply knowing that I am not the only one that has a narcissist in their lives has helped boost my confidence…and not fall for it again in the future. I highly recommend that you friend https://www.facebook.com/PierceTheDarkness?fref=ts

Read up and learn all you can about narcissists and how to deal with them. If you have to coparent with them, one suggestion….from me:

Start an email account that you only have for correspondences with the other party. This way you can always have a record of what is agreed upon between the two of you. Do not engage in any crap they try to pull regarding information about yourself. Simply keep it about the kids. Do not ever, and I mean ever, get personal about yourself. Even the smallest thing that you don’t think is a big deal will be turned against you somehow. Trust me…it’s happened to me.

I’m here…friend me…message me…text me…whatever…I’m here to help.


You CAN DO THIS. You can break away. You are stronger than you think…and your partner is weaker than he/she thinks!!!!!