Lost my mind last month…

So…things have been going great, Alexander in school, me at a new job.  Then boom.  I get diverticulitis once again.  This time over labor day weekend.  Alexander was at his dad’s so I had asked him to keep him a couple extra days and make sure he got too and from school.  Well, he took that as I abandoned our child.  He enrolled him in school in his town (an hour from me.) and refused to bring him back to me.   I will try to make this as short as possible…but still give enough information so that you know what I went through…and in case anyone else ever has to go through this bullshit.

 

My local police refused to enforce the court ordered child custody.  They said the best thing would be for me to go to that town and speak with that police department. Wow….really?
Can you at least call my ex and talk to my son?  Do a welfare check on him?  Something?

Dad has been super mentally unstable as of late and I was seriously concerned.

 

Days later…fighting back and forth with two different police departments, none of whom want to actually help me.

 

This started on September 5th.  On September 11th, we had an emergency meeting with the judge where he ruled against any emergency orders, all standing orders were still in place and Alexander should be returned to me.

 

His dad refused.  Now he is in violation of a court order.  Again…nobody would help me to enforce this.  Neither police department.   His towns police station told me to return to them if he did not return him on the following Sunday (18th) as per court order.  He didn’t…so I drove the hour down there at approximately 9 pm and with the assistance of five or so officers we went to his girlfriend’s apartment.  Her car was in the parking lot, however they would not answer their phones or the door.  I drove home after approximately four hours of these officers attempting, and failing to find out where my child was.  Total violation of PC 278:

278.  Every person, not having a right to custody, who maliciously
takes, entices away, keeps, withholds, or conceals any child with the
intent to detain or conceal that child from a lawful custodian shall
be punished by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding one year,
a fine not exceeding one thousand dollars ($1,000), or both that
fine and imprisonment, or by imprisonment pursuant to subdivision (h)
of Section 1170 for two, three, or four years, a fine not exceeding
ten thousand dollars ($10,000), or both that fine and imprisonment.



278.5.  (a) Every person who takes, entices away, keeps, withholds,
or conceals a child and maliciously deprives a lawful custodian of a
right to custody, or a person of a right to visitation, shall be
punished by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding one year, a
fine not exceeding one thousand dollars ($1,000), or both that fine
and imprisonment, or by imprisonment pursuant to subdivision (h) of
Section 1170 for 16 months, or two or three years, a fine not
exceeding ten thousand dollars ($10,000), or both that fine and
imprisonment.
   (b) Nothing contained in this section limits the court's contempt
power.
   (c) A custody order obtained after the taking, enticing away,
keeping, withholding, or concealing of a child does not constitute a
defense to a crime charged under this section.




278.6.  (a) At the sentencing hearing following a conviction for a
violation of Section 278 or 278.5, or both, the court shall consider
any relevant factors and circumstances in aggravation, including, but
not limited to, all of the following:
   (1) The child was exposed to a substantial risk of physical injury
or illness.
   (2) The defendant inflicted or threatened to inflict physical harm
on a parent or lawful custodian of the child or on the child at the
time of or during the abduction.
   (3) The defendant harmed or abandoned the child during the
abduction.
   (4) The child was taken, enticed away, kept, withheld, or
concealed outside the United States.
   (5) The child has not been returned to the lawful custodian.
   (6) The defendant previously abducted or threatened to abduct the
child.
   (7) The defendant substantially altered the appearance or the name
of the child.
   (8) The defendant denied the child appropriate education during
the abduction.
   (9) The length of the abduction.
   (10) The age of the child.
   (b) At the sentencing hearing following a conviction for a
violation of Section 278 or 278.5, or both, the court shall consider
any relevant factors and circumstances in mitigation, including, but
not limited to, both of the following:
   (1) The defendant returned the child unharmed and prior to arrest
or issuance of a warrant for arrest, whichever is first.
   (2) The defendant provided information and assistance leading to
the child's safe return.
   (c) In addition to any other penalties provided for a violation of
Section 278 or 278.5, a court shall order the defendant to pay
restitution to the district attorney for any costs incurred in
locating and returning the child as provided in Section 3134 of the
Family Code, and to the victim for those expenses and costs
reasonably incurred by, or on behalf of, the victim in locating and
recovering the child. An award made pursuant to this section shall
constitute a final judgment and shall be enforceable as such.

http://leginfo.ca.gov/cgi-bin/displaycode?section=pen&group=00001-01000&file=277-280

 

EVERY SINGLE agency I have spoken to on the phone says this incident is NOT child abduction because he did not “flee”.  Nowhere in this PC does it mention fleeing.

 

However, PC 207-209:

207.  (a) Every person who forcibly, or by any other means of
instilling fear, steals or takes, or holds, detains, or arrests any
person in this state, and carries the person into another country,
state, or county, or into another part of the same county, is guilty
of kidnapping.
   (b) Every person, who for the purpose of committing any act
defined in Section 288, hires, persuades, entices, decoys, or seduces
by false promises, misrepresentations, or the like, any child under
the age of 14 years to go out of this country, state, or county, or
into another part of the same county, is guilty of kidnapping.
   (c) Every person who forcibly, or by any other means of instilling
fear, takes or holds, detains, or arrests any person, with a design
to take the person out of this state, without having established a
claim, according to the laws of the United States, or of this state,
or who hires, persuades, entices, decoys, or seduces by false
promises, misrepresentations, or the like, any person to go out of
this state, or to be taken or removed therefrom, for the purpose and
with the intent to sell that person into slavery or involuntary
servitude, or otherwise to employ that person for his or her own use,
or to the use of another, without the free will and consent of that
persuaded person, is guilty of kidnapping.
   (d) Every person who, being out of this state, abducts or takes by
force or fraud any person contrary to the law of the place where
that act is committed, and brings, sends, or conveys that person
within the limits of this state, and is afterwards found within the
limits thereof, is guilty of kidnapping.
   (e) For purposes of those types of kidnapping requiring force, the
amount of force required to kidnap an unresisting infant or child is
the amount of physical force required to take and carry the child
away a substantial distance for an illegal purpose or with an illegal
intent.
   (f) Subdivisions (a) to (d), inclusive, do not apply to any of the
following:
   (1) To any person who steals, takes, entices away, detains,
conceals, or harbors any child under the age of 14 years, if that act
is taken to protect the child from danger of imminent harm.
   (2) To any person acting under Section 834 or 837.




208.  (a) Kidnapping is punishable by imprisonment in the state
prison for three, five, or eight years.
   (b) If the person kidnapped is under 14 years of age at the time
of the commission of the crime, the kidnapping is punishable by
imprisonment in the state prison for 5, 8, or 11 years. This
subdivision is not applicable to the taking, detaining, or
concealing, of a minor child by a biological parent, a natural
father, as specified in Section 7611 of the Family Code, an adoptive
parent, or a person who has been granted access to the minor child by
a court order.
   (c) In all cases in which probation is granted, the court shall,
except in unusual cases where the interests of justice would best be
served by a lesser penalty, require as a condition of the probation
that the person be confined in the county jail for 12 months. If the
court grants probation without requiring the defendant to be confined
in the county jail for 12 months, it shall specify its reason or
reasons for imposing a lesser penalty.

 

http://www.search.ask.com/web?l=dis&q=pc+207&o=APN10644&apn_dtid=BND533YYUS&shad=s_0042,s_0024&gct=ds&apn_ptnrs=AG5&d=533-737&lang=en&atb=sysid%3D533%3Aappid%3D737%3Auid%3D6118c02b88ad1ed2%3Auc2%3D1227%3Atypekbn%3D8.5%3Asrc%3Dcrb%3Ao%3DAPN10644%3Atg%3D&p2=AG5BND533YYUS

 

Ok, now my problem.

 

Whenever I am in front of officers, they are all in agreement that this clearly is a violation of PC 278…however when I leave his town and CALL someone….they all are telling me it is simply a violation of court order because he didn’t “flee”.  This is the police departments telling me this, his and mine, and the District Attorney’s office.

 

We go to court tomorrow and I will have to fight like hell to protect my son. The tentative decision has been posted online and sadly the judge decided that no changes are to be made and he will not face any reprimands for violating court orders or for violating PC278.

 

I will go in and ask the judge first thing to please pull up PC 278, put it up on the wall and we will read it out loud together.  Then I will ask exactly which part of what he did does not validate the fact that he violated this penal code.

 

I have been wanting pictures of when my ex beat me.  I wanted them for my own reasons, but I also wanted them for here.  I wanted to show you.  I want to be able to show every girl who is stuck in a situation like this.  I want to show the world.  And I want to scream that I am a warrior and that I can make it out.  The pictures are disturbing, and obviously a trigger.  I hope that I did the link correctly.  I am not posting these for “omg, I’m so sorry!” Nope…I’m posting these for “Screw you dude, I am way stronger than you are…..and every single time you do shit like this to me…you are making me even more stronger.”

 

Anyway.I’m going to go spend time with my son…get some good sleep (ha!) before tomorrow…and wake up ready to tackle him and court.  I’m not backing down from some sort of punishment until the judge ORDERS ME to drop it.  Who knows…maybe my next blog will be from jail.

 

Save ramen money.  I have seriously lost my mind a few times this past month.  Couldn’t function…major panic attacks.  I’m having nightmares, can’t sleep worse then before…I was an absolute wreck until I got him back…and I will be again if he is able to take my son from me for visitation.

 

Please remember…graphic pic…trigger warning.  And…scary part is…this wasn’t the worst beating.  This was the most tame beating.  This was right before he was taking Alexander to Texas to see Cheron (his sister) get married.

 

https://goo.gl/photos/BVtmpRv9LTgWUd6eA

 

Please keep my son and I in your thoughts, prayers, juju, light, whatever….I need it.  And tell these agencies that are supposed to help to get their heads out of their asses.

 

 

 

 

 

It’s been way too long

I haven’t blogged in five months! I apologize for that. I still don’t have wifi at home…so it makes it impossible for me to blog.

I made it through my first extended period of time without having my son with me. He was at dad’s for over a month.

I was a basket case for most of it. Especially with all of the red flags going up right before it was time for him to take him.

Dad’s phone wasn’t “working”…he was using someone else’s phone…then the day he was supposed to pick him up, I text that new number and all of a sudden my number was blocked. Hmmm…yeah…you’re not taking my kid for over a month without some way of me getting a hold of you.

His old phone got turned back on.

Whenever he has come to pick up Alexander at the police station, he has been parking where I cannot see him and walking to the police station. That’s another weird vibe.

The past few times he has been with his dad, he hasn’t seen his dad’s girlfriend or his half sister. Also odd.

Alexander has told me that they have been “camping” in daddy’s truck.

Then…right after he picks him up, I get an email from a cousin. She told me that her sister in law saw both of them on Father’s Day, sitting outside of a store…and that his dad looked “homeless”.

So…all of those red flags and I decided to try to contact CPS and see if there’s anything that they could do. Just a welfare check…that’s all I was asking for.

Well….according to them, none of those warrant a welfare check. And…once again, I’m told that “being homeless with a child isn’t against the law.” and that I would have to go before a judge to see if anything can be done.

So…yeah. I basically was a paranoid mom for the past month.

He is back safely with me…and today he is off visiting his dad’s family at a campground.

On a different note. Tuesday is my FREEDOMVERSARY!!!!

I guess if I can get through one more year of being alone and still being an awesome domestic violence warrior…I can take on anything, right?

Five years.

In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday…and in other ways it feels like it was a lifetime ago.

I wonder if it will ever get any better….I doubt it will.

My attitude towards him has changed for sure…even just over the past year or so. I am no longer afraid of him. Even with the restraining order expired. I probably owe a lot of that to my vicious pit bull “Zeus” but I have also gained a lot of self confidence back again.

Working has helped.

I think I’m way more upset (still) about the fact that I lost literally EVERYTHING after I managed to get the balls to send his ass to jail for almost killing me. I didn’t lose everything because of what he did to me…but because of trying to heal from that bullshit.

It has taken me five years…five pretty long fucking years…to even get to the point that I am at now.

Anyway…

Be kind. Enough of this hatred of fellow humans…enough killing people…just enough. There is already so much hate in this world. We need more peace, love and understanding. Start with you. Share a smile with a stranger. Give someone a hug. BE KIND.

Co-Parenting

I have been court ordered to attend a co-parenting class, as he has…separate classes, thank the dogs.

One of the homework assignments has to do with a website that I wanted to share with you. I have just skimmed it, but it seems worth looking into, especially if you are having issues with co-parenting. Personally, I believe that co-parenting with an abusive person should have totally different rules that if violence was not involved…but hey, that’s just my rose-colored glasses filled world, right? Until that happens, we must figure out the best way to co-parent with these fuckers…while still keeping our sanity and our safety!!!!

Anyway, the link to the website is http://www.thework.com

I hope this helps someone somehow.

Be kind, always be kind.

I got flowers today

 

 

Tamara Hunter with Jeannean Brown.
November 13, 2015 ·

I Got Flowers Today…..

I got flowers today… It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said…because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today… It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day. Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry, Because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today… It wasn’t mother’s day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again. And it was much worse than other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money? I’m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry, Because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today… Lots of them…Today was very special. It was the day of my funeral. Last night he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today. Real man don’t hit…

Stop Domestic Violence !!

Doc Wisdom

 

 

I’ve seen this on Facebook a few times.

 

Funny, I never got flowers.

 

I never got an apology.

 

I was almost killed.

 

I used to try to get him to talk to me about it, days after the fact.  I would ask him if my bruises looked better.  If my makeup was good enough to hide them.  If I could pass going back to work.

 

He never said a damn thing.

 

I don’t understand this, I never will. I guess it’s not for me to understand.  It’s not for me to fix.  I learned that, finally, the hard way.

12246606_10208029790331824_8739050854931399054_n

Co-parenting with an abusive partner

Hi everyone!!! I’m back to bloggity blogging for now!  My lovely roommate gave my son the wifi code, so for now, I’m here again!

 

Little update on life.  We went back to court, he was going after full custody (AGAIN) and got shot down (AGAIN) and in the process, the judge has ordered us both to attend a co-parenting class here called COPE.

 

I find a co-parenting class when there is domestic violence involved sort of a slap in the face to the survivor, frankly.

 

I realize that I have to deal with this asshat for the next x amount of years, and I would like some sort of authority figure to lay down the law and explain to him what the rules are and that he needs to follow them.

 

I think that if a couple coming out of an abusive relationship must co-parent, that it should be suggested, by the courts, for the sake of the child(ren) that “parallel parenting” be put into place.

 

Parallel parenting is pretty cool.  I actually did this 20 years ago with my ex husband who was, and is, a controlling manipulative bastard.  If he doesn’t get what he wants, he just keeps asking and whining until you just give in just to shut him the hell up.  When we first broke up, he would call the house CONSTANTLY (seriously, constantly, starting at 5 a.m.) to talk to the kids.  Of course, I would answer, a fight would ensue…and that would just be bad all around.  Eventually we got it arranged that he would only be allowed to call once between the hours of 7 pm and 8 pm….and if we were not home, leave a message and the kids would call him back.

This was just the beginnings of everyone having email, so we just started discussing custody exchanges, etc. via email…but that turned out well.

 

Ok, so now, last night, sitting in my class with all of these first time single parents trying to figure out how to co-parent with their now ex partners…

I don’t think I will get much out of the class, because like I said, there is no co-parenting with my ex.  For my own safety and sanity, I have to distance myself from him as much as possible.

 

If any of you are going through or thinking about leaving a partner such as this, please know that it is possible, and actually very wonderful, to be able to co-parent this way.

I have an email account set up specifically for emails pertaining to our son, all conversations are to be kept about him, we just now ironed out all of the visitation details.  He’s such a control freak that we literally had to almost go minute to minute. (We did, actually on some weekends!)

 

There is an awesome website called http://www.myfamilywizard.com and while it does have an annual fee of $99.00, it is a great way to communicate with the other parent about visitation, school, sports activities, and it even has a built in language guide that tells you if you are being too harsh in your wording!!! (LOL, my ex would SOOOO need this!) This is also cool, in a way, (or maybe not) because attorneys have access to it as well as the courts.

 

As always, if you MUST have exchanges with an abusive ex, please make sure that YOU are safe…have someone with you, do it at a public place such as a police station or restaurant, and if you think something is happening when your child is with that parent, call someone!

 

I hope to be blogging way more very soon!!!

As always, Be Kind.

Freedomversary!

Captains log July 19th…four years.

Seems like some space movie sometimes.

It’s been four years since I changed my life forever.

I’ve had good and bad…more bad than I thought. I’m tired all the time. My anxiety sucks. But….one day at a time, I guess.

I had sort of an epiphany last night in regards to my anxiety and insomnia.

I’ve had HORRIBLE insomnia since I left my abuser. I mean HORRIBLE. I can go days without sleeping, feeling so exhausted that I know I shouldn’t even be driving to the store.

It was two am last night (no, wasn’t the drunk two am epiphany) and I was just trying to will myself to sleep. It’s not an easy task to get this brain of mine to shut down.

I had just tagged my daughter in something that made me giggle on Facebook, and I figured she would see it soon because she’d be up nursing my newest granddaughter.

This got me to thinking back to when my kids had me up at all hours of the night nursing.

I remember every one of them. I remember every couch, every apartment, ever room in every apartment. Everything.

What I do not seem to be able to recall is my ex husband in any of these scenes. I mean, he was there…he “helped” out with the babies (sort of).

I can picture myself walking through each apartment we lived in and I cannot see his face there.

Can’t find the memory of us dining together, going on a road trip together, shit, even sleeping together. There’s nothing!

I guess this is a good thing. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Good my brain was actually able to block him out while preserving the other memories.

Here’s the epiphany.

I realized that for the past five years, my memories of my abuser have ALWAYS flashed in front of my eyes.

Not the actual abuse. I seriously cannot “see” any of the attacks. Or should I say I do not “see” him attacking me.

I have a couple vivid memories of the attacks. The first one was during the first beating on Christmas night.

I can see us sitting on the couch together and all of a sudden a smack from his hand. I just sat on the couch, got a few more punches to the face. Then nothing. He sat beside me on the couch quietly. I never looked directly at him. So that visual is not in my head.

The next visual that comes back to me is more like me watching it from a third person.

I see “me” on the floor with him straddling me hitting me in the face with my phone.

Again, I do not think I have a memory of me looking directly at him.

The horrible image that I just came to realize I see EVERY TIME I try to go to sleep is him!

Sitting on the couch…I can see what he’s wearing, his glasses, the way his foot bounces on his knee…

And he’s just staring at me.

Judging me.

Trying to find out if and when he can hit me again.

I honestly never realized before that this image is what I see when I try to sleep. Every time I try to sleep.

I tried to think of my son…even cuddled with my dog…but nothing seems to make it go away.

Until I finally just pass out from exhaustion.

I do know that it’s much, much worse when I don’t have Alexander with me…and this week has been super hard.

Hopefully by me telling this story, trying to describe what does on in my head…it might help me get past it..

Maybe someday I will not have any images of him invading my every second of every day…like my ex husbands image has gone…

There is hope.

Until then…

Day by day…and night by night.

The next week will be a stressful one for me….

Gaslighting

I was just speaking to an amazing woman about things she is going through currently, and I thought I would blog about gaslighting, for her sake, and many others. The narcissist is so fucking good at doing this that most people do not even know it’s happening to them!! It starts out small…and builds into this horrible monster. Once I read up on gaslighting and narcissistic behavior, it’s like a light went on…HOLY SHIT!!! All of the times that I thought I was clearly the one who was going insane, losing my mind, causing all of the tension…that was REALLY HIM MAKING ME THINK THAT!!!

Since my links don’t always work here, I’m going to copy/paste some gaslighting information here for you. Anyone that believes they are in a controlling, abusive (emotional, financial, or physical) relationship…please, please read this information…and do as much research as you can on how to react or not react to the gaslighting.

The following came from the wikipedia site:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

Sociopaths frequently use gaslighting tactics. Sociopaths consistently transgress social mores, break laws, and exploit others, but typically, are also charming and convincing liars who consistently deny wrongdoing. Thus, some who have been victimized by sociopaths may doubt their perceptions.

Some physically abusive spouses may gaslight their partners by flatly denying that they have been violent.

Gaslighting describes a dynamic observed in some cases of marital infidelity: “Therapists may contribute to the victim’s distress through mislabeling the woman’s reactions. […] The gaslighting behaviors of the husband provide a recipe for the so-called ‘nervous breakdown’ for some women [and] suicide in some of the worst situations.”

Gaslighting may also occur in parent–child relationships, with either parent, child, or both, lying to each other and attempting to undermine perceptions. Furthermore, gaslighting has been observed between patients and staff in inpatient psychiatric facilities.

For information on dealing with a narcissist…there are a few pages I have friended on facebook which have helped me immensely. Simply knowing that I am not the only one that has a narcissist in their lives has helped boost my confidence…and not fall for it again in the future. I highly recommend that you friend https://www.facebook.com/PierceTheDarkness?fref=ts

Read up and learn all you can about narcissists and how to deal with them. If you have to coparent with them, one suggestion….from me:

Start an email account that you only have for correspondences with the other party. This way you can always have a record of what is agreed upon between the two of you. Do not engage in any crap they try to pull regarding information about yourself. Simply keep it about the kids. Do not ever, and I mean ever, get personal about yourself. Even the smallest thing that you don’t think is a big deal will be turned against you somehow. Trust me…it’s happened to me.

I’m here…friend me…message me…text me…whatever…I’m here to help.

https://www.facebook.com/cuterthankittenbritches

You CAN DO THIS. You can break away. You are stronger than you think…and your partner is weaker than he/she thinks!!!!!

Victim Shaming

I just read an article on victim shaming and I thought I would share it with you. I, myself, have been shamed many times. “I can’t believe you let him hit you three different times!” or “I wouldn’t have stayed…after the first time, I would have been so out of there!!” Um, yeah…it’s not that easy.

In regards to the Cosby accusations…many of those women feared shaming, hence why they didn’t come out after it happened. Surely Mr. Cosby would NEVER do such a thing! You must have interpreted it incorrectly! These women (whether their claims are true or not…I’m kinda skeptical myself…but it’s not my place) have had nothing but shame given to them since they have stepped forward. Wonder how many more are out there.

24 people every minute are abused (by an intimate partner) in the United States. 24!!!!

Victim shaming can come in all forms of remarks from family and friends, including “What was she wearing?” “Was she drinking?” “You must have done SOMETHING to make him mad.” “Try being a better partner…maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”

Victims, whether they be victims of sexual assault, domestic violence, or anything else need the public’s support at the crucial time that they are coming forth and reporting the crime.

The best thing you can do for a survivor is to be there for them…don’t offer a solution, but offer them suggestions on what THEY can do to get out of their situation safely. Every abuse case is different. Don’t say to the survivor “Well, I did this…so you should, too.” Your solution to your individual experience may not work for them, and frankly they don’t need someone telling them what to do. Chances are their abuser has done that all along.

Do you best to support the survivor in any way you can….ask THEM what they need help with. Drive them to a doctor or the police station. Literally hold their hand if they are scared.

As always, I am here for anyone that needs help…whether it be yourself who is in a dangerous situation…or a friend whom you are trying to help. You can always contact a shelter…but please note that they will not help the “friend” unless the friend actually calls themselves.

Elder Abuse

I personally have dealt with witnessing this lately. My roommate is a paid caregiver for her 91 year old mother with the early onset of Alzheimer’s/dementia.

On the record…just in case anyone is worried about me or my son…we have our own space in the house…hardly ever interact with the roommates. We are safe and secure and hardly notice the issues going on.

With that said….I want to bring up some important facts about elder abuse.

It doesn’t have to be physical. I think a lot of times, it’s not. At least in the personal care giver situation that is happening here. It can be anything from verbal abuse, neglect, improperly medicating the elder, financial abuse….

It can simply be that the person that is appointed to care for the elder just doesn’t have the right tools to assist him/her in dealing with the absolute craziness that is dementia.

Yelling at a person with dementia because you told them to go get dressed, assuming that they will go…and come out dressed appropriately, i.e., for the weather…and that they match colors…and both shoes match…that’s about impossible for someone with dementia. You have to have the right tools so that you can assist that person with daily chores.

Yes, it is frustrating as hell…especially when it’s a family member.

The caregiver needs time away…they NEED time to not be the “adult”…shoot, we all need time to not adult, right?

There are so many resources out there to assist with this. Daycare for the elder, even if it’s only a couple of hours a week can do wonders for the mind set of the caregiver.

http://www.ncea.aoa.gov/resources/publication/docs/finalstatistics050331.pdf

According to the pdf above…only 1 in 14 incidents of elder abuse in a domestic setting are reported to the authorities.. 1 in 14!!!! That’s absolutely horrible.

If you suspect any form of abuse of an elder, please, I beg you to contact your local Adult Protective Services. You can do so anonymously..California even has a website where you can report the abuse online.

Also, keep reporting…keep calling. A lot of times the elder has been conditioned to “say the right things” to people so that it appears they are fine. Remember…most social workers that help these people are familiar with that…and they will see through it. If you don’t get help right away…KEEP REPORTING!!!

This is the website for California:

http://www.cdss.ca.gov/agedblinddisabled/PG1298.htm

Remember to be kind…always be kind….if you see someone not acting kind…DO SOMETHING!!!!

“My memories” on Facebook

This picture (I hope I attached it here correctly!) is a picture taken about four years ago.  Our son, in the back, was just a few months old..

armand

Anyway, it keeps popping up recently in my pictures…not just in the “My Memories” feature…but all over.  Funny, I think it’s the only picture we ever had taken together.

Most people think and say to me “Damn…delete that!”  But no, I actually like having this pop up for me.

I like seeing the man that almost killed me, and me having to actually force a kiss from him.  That’s how much he “loved” me.  This picture was taken around the second beating.

The first on, Christmas Day before this, I guess I wrote off to “Oh, it will never happen again.”  “It happened this time only, because he was drunk.”  “Surely I haven’t been a good enough girlfriend/mother for him to do that…I must try better.”  “I can talk to him and change him so this doesn’t happen again.”

Um…yeah.  No.  I’m not sure if this was before or after the second one…that happened in April four years ago…and yes, it was worse than the first one.

They escalate, you know.  The first is kind of like them seeing if they can get away with it.  It’s a shove…it’s a punch on the body so as not to leave a visible mark on the face.  They want to see how you are going to react to it.  Will you call the police?  Or will you just do what I did…ignore it and think that it’s your fault…you have to change…you aren’t doing the right things…you aren’t paying him enough attention…you aren’t cooking dinner right…you aren’t having enough sex with him…

It used to bother me to see him, even seeing a picture would make my heart beat faster.  Not out of love…oh hells no…but out of shear panic.

It doesn’t anymore.  Now, it only makes me stronger.  Knowing that I was in a shitty, controlling, abusive relationship…and knowing that I finally got out.

I always hope that my blogs might reach someone who is stuck like I was…and that somehow it helps them make that oh so scary decision.

Remember, they do escalate…the last one almost killed me.  If you, or someone you know is in an abusive relationship…please contact me or a shelter…or the domestic abuse hotline at 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).  They even have a live chat on their website… http://www.thehotline.org/contact/

It doesn’t mean you need to up and leave right away…they can help you with a safety plan to make sure that you are able to get out with stuff like clothes, money, kids, even pets.  They won’t tell you “You have to leave him right now!”  They are there to listen.  Frankly, that’s really what an abused person needs at that point.  Their abuser has isolated them so much that there is nobody they can turn to.

On that note, I’m going to go enjoy my freedom, with that little rug rat in the picture, who isn’t so little anymore!!!